Convo with Myself: Interdependence

This series was inspired by Donald Glover’s recent interview with himself in Interview Magazine. I write somewhat stream of consciousness, without going back to edit, and trying not to pause too much to think as I write.

Alright, here we are again. 

Here we are. 

How you feeling?

So tired. 

Yeah, me too. 

It was a very high-energy day with Luca. 

How’d you do?

Well, interestingly enough, because I know I’m gonna be doing things relatively alone most days now, it forced me to get myself unstuck in those moments when he’s in a “no” space and it triggers me into one as well… and I’m pretty proud of myself. I’ve been feeling really creative lately, and it’s definitely been translating over to my parenting. But it took a lot from me.

How are you going to sustain this?

I really need to think about that. I’m back to thinking about interdependence. I thought I’d done a lot of growth with Lauren as I let them give and started accepting it, receiving it. Feeling like I deserved it. Getting comfortable with it. Becoming dependent on it. Even beginning to feel safe and secure. And now here I am – broke and houseless. A few weeks ago when I first realized where all of this was headed, it felt like my body completely disconnected from my mind and I fell back on old habits, like trying to use sex to keep someone around. When I talked to my therapist about it, she helped me validate and translate what my body was doing – trying to keep me safe, trying to keep a roof over my head, even if that roof had been feeling like a cage for a long time. 

Wow, a cage. That’s reaching. 

I know there’s a part of you that wants to de-emphasize the pain you’ve been in. Me. Why are you doing that?

I’m the one interviewing you. Why are you doing that?

Is this getting silly? Whatever. Ok I guess… it feels like I’m leaving out a lot of good things that happened and only focusing on the bad. 

Can’t both things exist? That you were really happy and also really sad? 

Yeah, it’s just hard to make decisions from that place. 

Ah. 

That’s why I’m writing this right now. This is an attempt to merge mind and body and be in the complexity of it all and try to make some sense. Or at least validate myself and be validated that it’s gooey and that’s ok. I just feel a sense of urgency because I do need to find a place to live and I do need to be stable enough to keep my contract work going and I do need to take care of Luca’s every day needs, and I can’t keep him in limbo while I let the dust settle… can I? 

Are you keeping him in limbo? You’re being honest with him in age-appropriate ways. You’re answering all his questions, with more and more confidence. You got a bunch of books on divorce at the library for god’s sake. What more do you expect from yourself?

Well, I guess that’s the question: Am I expecting too much from myself? And that takes me back to what I’ve been thinking about in terms of interdependence – independence and autonomy within community. I was talking to my friend Michelle today, wondering if my expectations are too high. And she said, “It’s ok to have high expectations, as long as you also have grace.” So wise. And I also can’t help thinking about three quotes that feel very connected and relevant right now as I think about how much grace I want to have, and where my boundaries need to be set so that I can move towards the world I feel calling me, and bring Luca along with me, both as the life I’ve been called to nurture, and as a co-designer in shaping that world. The first is that Morgan Mann Willis quote in Emergent Strategy on how organizing isn’t about making one person feel special, but creating structures and systems where every person is treated with dignity and respect. The second is an adrienne maree brown poem or blog post – can’t remember – about how she’s setting boundaries with the people who are fucking around with covid (definitely paraphrasing here) and not choosing life. And the third is my mom saying very clearly that Luca is not a charity project. 

You’re a great puzzle piecer, but you might have to explain that one a little more…

Ugh, language is so limiting. This is why there’s a story about me that I don’t know who I am and can’t tell people what I need: I just can’t communicate the breadth of my ideas and emotions with words! 

We’ll definitely come back to all that sometime, but you’re here typing it all out so just try. 

I guess I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time the past few years trying to make people feel special. And that’s not a bad thing, except when I’ve shut down my own needs and intuition to do it – and especially when what I’ve shut down is my mothering instincts and intuition. I think it got to the point where I started disassociating from parenting. Telling myself that I’m just not made for mothering. I’m too emotional. Too sensitive. Too much. Too broken. That someone else can do it better, easier, so they just should. 

Do you still believe that? 

My anger has helped burn away my self doubt, and burn the bridge of dependence that was keeping me tied to that story. 

Wow. What’s happening in your brain and body right now?

I feel strong. And oddly enough – open. This is a kind of anger I’m not used to, and the more I feel it, the more I feel the difference between this and the reactive rage that burns in me sometimes. I guess this is what they call righteous rage? I saw a @gendersauce meme today that asked something like “how can your anger help you grow”? And I think that’s what this is. 

Ok let’s leave it at that today. You’re tired. 

So tired. I need more help…

Let’s talk about that next time.