Convo with Myself: Righteous Rage
This series was inspired by Donald Glover’s recent interview with himself in Interview Magazine. I write somewhat stream of consciousness, without going back to edit, and trying not to pause too much to think as I write.
How are you feeling? What’s on your mind? What’s in your body?
You always ask too many questions in one - I love that about you and it’s also overwhelming, but you know that.
Heh, thanks, love you too.
Um, well, let me start with body and move up, ‘cause that’s what I’m trying to focus on these days. Ground in place, action. I’m currently sitting in my car, which I finally got serviced today after months of notices that I was overdue. I’m outside my kid’s school sitting in the passenger’s seat ‘cause the sun is hitting the driver’s side hard and I needed space on my lap to put my laptop – which is gonna die soon so… you might have to pester me over the next few days to get this done…
You didn’t really answer the question, you storyteller you, but why is it important to you that you set the scene?
Are you gonna call me out like that through this whole thing?
Only when I sense you’re being strategic.
Versus authentic? Can they be the same thing?
Depends on who you’re talking to.
I’m talking to you. Me.
Do you think you can be you with yourself?
Who am I? Oh god, we’re just going down an existential rabbit hole, I knew this would happen.
Ok ok, we’ll come back to that. Why do you want me to know where you are right now?
Because it puts into context a lot of what’s going on right now, which is going to lead into answering your questions about how I’m feeling and what’s on my mind and in my body.
Go on…
I’m in the parking lot of my kid’s school, waiting to pick him up in an hour because 1) I’ve broken up with my partner and what was once my home is no longer my home anymore - so can’t work there; 2) I could be doing this at the coffee shop across the street or at a friend’s house, but like 3 people in my circle of friends have been exposed to covid the past couple weeks so I made a decision today to put in place some more conservative protocols – including keeping socializing to outdoor spaces; 3) the Movement Building Medicine meetings I would usually be in right now have been cancelled ‘cause my friend’s are all rallying to support me, my partner, my kid through this major conflict, and they’ve got other shit/emergencies to tend to so everything is kind of up in the air.
You love lists.
Yeah, they make complicated, gooey things feel more contained. Anchors for water to flow around. I could see people thinking I’m oversimplifying though.
You are.
Well yes, the watery bits are hard to list because they feel… well, watery.
Good one.
Look, I’m trying not to overthink right now, ok?
So tell me how you feel.
That made me cry… wow. That was a breakthrough moment, I think – I haven’t been able to cry without external sensory stimulation for a while. Maybe you’re becoming too real…
Maybe that’s a good thing…
I’m trying to get out of binary thinking.
Ok, maybe that’s just a thing - you said you were trying not to overthink. Answer the fucking question: How do you feel?
I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. Weirdly excited. Sometimes I’m really calm and clear - yesterday was a day like that.
You had a great convo with your therapist about anger.
Yeah, it was illuminating. She asked me what my anger was doing for me, why I felt I needed to hold on to it – and she was surprised by my answer. It was interesting for me to say out loud as well. I told her that I felt my anger was serving me, and she started to roll with it as I was trying to articulate how… “It’s keeping you from feeling pain…?” she asked. And I was like, “No, not at all, that’s not it…” I’m not afraid to feel pain. In fact, I think sometimes I’m too open to pain. I’m covered in tattoos for heaven’s sake. My anger is helping me stand up for myself, helping me shake the stories about myself – the biggest one being that I’m not worthy of being my kid’s parent – so I can show up for him and me and have the strength to get us in a better situation. One where I can be my best self, and create space for him to become. In a big way, my anger is facilitating self-compassion. And that’s really interesting to me, because I’ve often been afraid of anger - my own and other people’s. It’s really got me looking at myself and a lot of the ideas I’ve had about anger and its place in community with more curiosity.
Wow, that’s super interesting… what questions are coming up for you?
I’ll see if I can frame the thoughts as questions. Right now it’s a bunch of fragmented ideas I’m trying to piece together. It feels like it’s all related to the concept of “interdependence,” which is a word I’ve said a lot lately, but have really struggled to understand because I just don’t have much experience living it. I was in a meeting yesterday talking to someone who I’d describe as a “social justice baby” – which I realize is condescending, so what I mean is that they’re new to community organizing oriented around “justice” - a lot to unpack there as well, but for the sake of moving forward… I was talking to them about why their perspective is so valuable, because there are moments I feel a bit ungrounded in the world as is because I’ve spent so much time now in movement spaces. And lately, movement spaces where we’re very much in “build the new” energy and less in the “stop and starve” phase, if we’re looking at the Just Transition framework…
Are you getting lost? Interdependence…
Yeah yeah. Sometimes I have to track an idea from beginning to end to feel like I’m giving it justice. If you want brevity from me, you’ve got the wrong person.
Ok I guess I have to remember we’re not writing this for someone else.
I mean, kind of. We’re posting it on the blog and part of me is aware of that – but I’ll keep going. Ok so I’m talking to this person about having one foot in the dominant cultural/economic context we’re in while creating new/remembered/updated contexts, and that it’s really easy to lose yourself because in a way, our movement spaces are often communities that value collectivism and criticize the idea of self-reliance because its been distorted into a “pull yourself by the boot straps” myth. So we easily dismiss our individuality. “Not me. Us.” - to borrow a socialist phrase. It makes sense. We live in a hyper-individualist world, so hyper-collectivism is the reaction to it. But I feel that what “interdependence” is all about is some balance between the individual and the community. Honoring and protecting and nurturing each individual experience and expression, as a way of creating a community of people who are self-aware, self-actualized, self-reflective and self-accountable so that they can better collaborate and cooperate with others.
How does that relate back to anger?
Well, I’m in the process of self-actualizing. Of individuating. After being in what I’ve realized was a very codependent relationship. And it takes two to tango, I’m very clear on the role I played in creating the conditions for codependency, I’m really clear on the systemic conditions that contributed to it as well, and I know that a lot of what happened - well, let me walk that back - I WANT TO BELIEVE, based on the experiences I’ve had with my partner, that a lot of what they contributed was subconscious. And I’ll be honest that I’m in a moment where I’m not sure if that’s more soothing to me as I make decisions on how to move forward with that relationship and their role in raising my kid… but it does soften me a bit. However, my anger is helping me have the strength to put up boundaries while I take the time I need to process and discern.
I loved how your friend Kristin put it: That you’re making friends with your anger.
Yeah, I love her and the ways she helps me track my growth. All my friends, really. It’s been the best thing that’s come out of all this pain: I’m real clear on who my people are, how much they love me, and that we’re truly growing together. And also that they have limits, they can’t see in my head or my heart, and sometimes there are things I need to do alone. Decisions I need to make myself to feel right with me, even if that makes it hard for other people to be with me.
Does that make you feel lonely?
Sometimes, sure. Like, I want to be seen as my whole self. I think in my birth chart, that’s part of one of my nodes – it’s in Gemini or something and the part of my life that’s insatiable is that I’m always in search of my twin. But I think, at least in this moment, I’m getting to a place where I feel at peace just being in the process of knowing and being with myself, and finding joy and pleasure in the mystery. Because if I am the universe, well damn, there is so much yet to be explored.
Engage!
Make it so :)
We’re such a nerd. I love you.
I love you too.