Fusion Friend Playbook

In this post, I talk about verbal and physical (non-graphic) violence. Check in with yourself before reading, and remember to breathe through it if you decide to continue on.

Lately, I’ve been taking a lot of workshops and classes on trauma, both to find more tools to address my own, and because I feel called to accompany others on their healing journeys toward liberation.

I’ve guided folks through processes where we take a look at the ways we protect ourselves, strategies often developed as children, lovingly thank those strategies, and tell them: “I don’t need you anymore, goodbye.”

Recently, I went through a break-up where a lot of “you don’t deserve” language was used against me in my requests for safe and stable housing for me and my child, along with accusations that I did not know myself, and was insecure and unstable because of the way I process and communicate information – all at the same time as my ex-partner was asking to take “50% custody” of my child. Talk about activating my triggers… ever since I gave birth, I’ve been fighting against a toxic narrative that creeps up on me when I’m most vulnerable: “Your child deserves better than you; you are a crazy idealist revolutionary, and you’re going to ruin his life with your fantasies.” It all escalated in a moment, a fight where I now realize my mind/body/spirit felt me coming dangerously close to giving up my responsibility to my child. My protection strategies activated: I literally pushed my partner out of our home to give myself the space I needed to feel safe – including to keep them from further physical harm; I packed up my things and ran away to my mom’s with my child the next day to give myself more time and space; I listened to an angry playlist I put together probably 5 times a day, allowing my anger to move through me; I reached out to my community and told them what had happened and asked for support; I started writing about what I was feeling, and sharing it as a way to process, to be witnessed, to document what was happening as my ex tried to keep things hidden, to feel safe to be exactly who I am in community – raw edges exposed.

That happened over 3 months ago, and since then, I’ve been in deep reflection, study, and conversation with myself, my community, and my spirit guides trying to be accountable to my self, my child, my community; figuring out how to move forward in a way that is in alignment with my values, in a way that is true to me and where I’m at on my healing journey. Where I’ve landed in this moment is a whole manifesto I’m in the process of writing, but it led to designing this activity, which I’ve dubbed “Fusion Friend.” I had been wanting to remix an activity I did in a workshop on healing money shame with Yumi Sakugawa where they led us through a process of drawing “abundance angels” and “money monsters,” mashing it with a similar activity my friend Franque Bains had shared with me from a facilitation class she took where you draw a handful of demons and transform them into approachable friends. But something was missing for what I needed… Inspiration struck after reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s “True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart,” and watching some episodes of “Steven Universe” with my kid.

So what was missing? Over the past few months, from what I’ve been through personally and what we’re going through collectively, I’ve realized we cannot say goodbye to our defensive strategies as we’re being called to step up as warriors for revolutionary love. We need the parts of ourselves that are harder to love, the spikes, the sharp edges, the wings to take us up and away. My child is constantly asking me how different animals protect themselves, and I always respond in a way that affirms these animals are not “bad” for doing what they are designed to do. What I believe we as human animals need is more awareness of our protective skills, to integrate, develop and adapt them to this present moment. Warriors know how to fight, they practice and train, they are fully aware of their skillset and what kinds of strategies to use in different contexts. The most passionate warriors have skin in the game – they have experienced grief, and have transformed it into radical grievance, into righteous rage, into revolutionary love. The most conscious warriors are in tune with their bodies, their emotions, their spirits. Fusion Friend is a playful way to become more aware of defense skills, and to integrate and sharpen them so we can wield our creativity more holistically and intentionally.

I know that I did my best with what I had in that moment with my ex, that what I did to protect myself and my child was valid, for who I am, what I care about, what was at stake. I have no doubt that I deserve to be my child’s primary caregiver, that because I intentionally made a choice to serve as his vessel into this world and to raise him, I am exactly who he needs at this stage of life along with the community I build around us. And I have no doubt that I deserve hands-in-the-dirt care from my community, just for existing, and that my contributions are more than enough to create a reciprocal energy flow with those who are aware of what they want to give and receive from me.

I’ve now had a chance to facilitate this activity four times for people ages 2 through 70, in intergenerational spaces, online and in-person, with queer rock stars, ecotopian students, and cultural organizers. I hope this activity serves you in the ways it has me and those who have been willing to try it out, to help you grow in your awareness, accountability, responsibility, and revolutionary love for yourself and your community.

A big thank you to everyone who has played a role in influencing and inspiring this design, and in creating opportunities for me to experiment with it.

Download a pdf of the playbook at the button below. Message me if you want a pdf in a printable zine layout format. Cross your fingers I get into Alt Press Fest this fall and I’ll have copies of it there too!

Here’s a link to the accompanying Spotify playlist.