Convo with Myself: Culture of the Heart

This series was inspired by Donald Glover’s recent interview with himself in Interview Magazine. I write somewhat stream of consciousness, without going back to edit, and trying not to pause too much to think as I write.

Hi. 

Hello. 

What are you thinking about?

Where to begin… you know I love lists, let me start there to organize my thoughts… 

1) Cultural differences and the importance of reconnecting to your own cultural raices. 

Oh you’re speaking Spanish now, eh?

Well I’m trying to connect to my cultural raices...

Ok let’s dig into that first one right now. Por que es importante para ti? 

I’m realizing that part of the healing I need to do is healing from the assimilation my family and I have done to feel a sense of belonging (and security) in the United States. And I actually want to make it specific to Mormon culture in Utah. Because I’ve been to places in the U.S. where people – immigrants and migrants and refugees – have found ways to keep their cultural identity intact despite having to distort parts of it to survive. But you need enough community that shares your culture to do that, and my family came here as Spanish immigrants with, frankly, white supremacist ideas of who to build community with. So my parents tried to make friends with the white Mormons instead of the brown folks who they shared more cultural identity with… some of those similarities rooted in violence – both the genocide and colonization of indigenous people in the global south that Spaniards are responsible for, and also the xenophobic culture of the United States.

Wow, so many layers. No wonder you’re all messed up. 

I’m trying to reframe it as “no wonder I have an opportunity to connect with a lot of different kinds of people.” 

Like Esther in the Bible. 

Exactly. When I heard that story again as an adult, during the “For such a time as this” era, I realized we have a lot in common in terms of our rhetorical bridge building and shapeshifting. And actually, maybe I don’t want to call it shapeshifting, because that connotes manipulation – it’s more like I have such a rich and diverse lived experience that it’s easy for me to mirror a lot of different experiences and both see myself in others and allow others to see themselves in me. 

Which is powerful. How are you being responsible with that power? 

Oooh, can we talk about Spiderman as well? Actually, I can find a way to answer this question through the latest Spiderman movie’s narrative, just give me a minute to set the scene. Essentially, Spiderman messes with time after his identity as Peter Parker is revealed and he asks Dr. Strange to cast a spell that will make everyone forget him. It creates a rupture in the multiverse that draws a lot of people to him who know that Spiderman is actually Peter Parker, including a bunch of different “villains” across the Spiderverse, from Doc Oc to the Green Goblin to Electro. AND – two Spidermen from other universes: the ones played by Toby McGuire and Andrew Garfield. Turns out that each of them, across the multiverse, share a similar moment in their origin stories when someone they love is killed by a villain. And all these villains who have shown up? Well, turns out that each of them gets revenge-killed by Spiderman. Got it?

Got it. Get to the point. 

Ok ok so essentially, the Spiderman indigenous to this universe still hasn’t had that tragic experience and decides that he’s going to make a different choice: Since each of the villains is a bad guy ‘cause something bad happened to them (accidents and science experiments gone wrong), he decides he’s going to “cure” them. The other Spidermen are super supportive because they’ve also had changes of heart and are trying to “be better.” But it’s a lot harder than he thinks because the villains don’t want to let go of their power and end up escaping, and along the way, his Aunt May gets killed by the Green Goblin. So he joins the other Spidermen in having this tragic moment that fuels his anger and drive for revenge. And that moment comes when he has a chance to kill the Green Goblin, and he picks up a weapon and is about to stab him, but Spiderman Toby stops him and looks him fiercely in the eyes until he softens and drops the weapon. The Green Goblin takes that opportunity to stab Spiderman Toby in the back, but this time the other Spiderman makes a different choice and picks up the “cure” injection and stabs the Green Goblin with that instead.

I loved this, though I obviously have a lot of critiques, but I felt it really encompassed what that Spiderman-famous phrase “With great power comes great responsibility” means in practice: 1) self-reflection that keeps you connected to your spirit and the ways you are growing your capacity to see yourself in all life; 2) community that knows who you’re trying to be and can support you lovingly in being that expression of the universe; and 3) willingness to change. 

So that’s the framework for how I’m being responsible with the ways I use my connective and rhetorical powers. And what self-reflection has brought me to in that realm is that I can only know myself by being in curious conversation with myself – which means I can only truly know someone else by being curious and in conversation with them. And that I can never really know myself fully because there’s an unexplainable life-force that flows through me that remains a mystery, which means that I need to allow myself to be mystified by others as well, without exerting control. My community is a place to practice my superpowers in a container of people I love who tell me when I’m off – and that’s not perfect either as sometimes they are trying to exert control, even if it’s subconscious. But that’s why it’s a constant contraction of focusing and self-reflecting, and expanding into community. 

Beautiful. 

Thank you!  

Now let’s get back to culture. You’ve just plopped in some pop culture – which is everyone’s culture?

Well, I think pop culture is accessible culture. I think? Stuff that’s out in the mainstream that anyone can try on and see if it fits. I’m sure there are better definitions out there. 

So what is YOUR culture, and what will reconnecting with it do for your healing? 

I suppose that’s the question I’m trying to figure out… Definitely some pop culture. But as for my raices… I’m in Mexico right now. Surrounded by white Mexicans, middle-class Mexicans, Mexican ex-patriots who are vacationing in their country of origin. People who remind me of Spaniards because they’re pretty close to it, due to colonization. It’s a “resort” that my mom booked me in because she came here to spend some time alone once and really loved it – and I can see why. It’s just 14 little cabins with palm leaf roofs on the beach and a giant table in the common area where we all sit together to eat. It feels more like a community retreat center than a resort, even though we don’t all hang out after we share a meal. Families with kids, couples – I met a university professor who’s traveling with her mother and brother – and I’m the only single person so far. There is definitely some ugliness – racist comments, capitalist values, patriarchal power displays, etc. And also some communal customs and ways of expression that feel good. Everyone speaks Spanish. They have excited conversations with one another that get louder and louder as time goes by. They talk about relationships and politics boldly and unapologetically. They get passionate, and no one tells anyone to tone it down. 

Not something you had in your relationship with Lauren as of late, eh?

Nope. I feel like I wasn’t allowed to express myself in the ways that feel natural to me as I started to come out of postpartum depression. Like I was constantly having to hold myself back. I actually think most of my long-term romantic partnerships have been that way – and they all happen to be white folks, with wealthy parents, and generations of Mormon ancestry. I made a friend here who is originally from Mexico and shares the experience of being undocumented in the U.S. She moved on to Canada with a boyfriend where she was able to get citizenship, and talked about how it didn’t work in the end because they were so culturally different and she felt stifled – like there was no room for her to be herself in the relationship. It was really cool to see that the person she’s with now, despite it being a little more difficult for him to express himself in Spanish, spoke Spanish to her the whole time we were together (and so did I!) 

Does this mean you’re only going to hang out with folks that have Latin cultural backgrounds from now on?

Not necessarily, but it’s really clarifying for me who I am and how I express myself, and that I need close friends and lovers who create space for it, even appreciate it. I don’t believe that in order to have intimate relationships, we need to be culturally the same – though having core values is critical, I’ll explain that difference another time – but we do need to have an appreciation for differences. Like real, authentic appreciation – not eroticized fascination, or appropriation, or even perceived familiarity because we have a lot of friends from that culture or we’ve vacationed somewhere and the locals who served us were friendly. What authentic appreciation looks like to me is being present, curious, and self-aware enough that you can connect vs. project. For example, I talk louder when I get excited. That’s been seen as aggressive to some folks. And I need people to see and appreciate that about me, and if they don’t understand my intentions – make a noticing and ask what they are, not tell me to lower my voice because they feel like I’m mad at them. That’s a projection. 

How might you create that space for yourself? And perhaps even extend the same curiosity and appreciation you’re asking for?

Those are really important questions. I pulled a tarot card today, the two of cups, that was all about being friends with myself. And damn, am I longing for that so much. And I see it happening as I begin to spend more time alone doing things that I want to do. I really like who I am. I feel confident in who I am. Confident in an “I’ll never know myself fully and that’s beautiful” kind of way. I will always be unfolding, becoming, growing, and I know that I have the energy and accountability and practice to continue doing so.

As for extending the same to others… I just re-read All About Love by bell hooks, and in it she talks about how challenging it was for her at one point to make a list of what she needed or wanted to receive from her lovers, and even harder to write down the love she needs to give in order to be open to receiving it. So I actually did that. 

What came up? 

Well, first: that I want to be a lover to myself – everything on the list of what I’m seeking was something I’m practicing, so clearly I want to be loving myself. And because my list of the love I want to receive feels impossible for one person to hold, that maybe True Love for me will only be found in a community of lovers. Second: it’s real clear what I need to work on. My list included dancing and playing more, not letting mistakes become stories and character judgments, owning my power by owning my mistakes, accompanying others through emotions without carrying those emotions with me, and learning how to live sustainably on my own in all parts of my life even when someone else is willing to do it for me. 

And how will that connect you to your people, your loving community?

I did a tarot reading for that couple I made friends with, and one of them got the five of pentacles as the “let go” card – which is something that comes up in my readings a lot and is the “find your people” card, find your fellow weirdos. He described feeling some guilt about meeting new friends and getting excited about them, and losing touch with old friends as he moves on. That spoke to me too, as I sat there giving these two strangers their first tarot reading, people who I felt such a deep heart – maybe even soul – connection with, people whom it’s quite possible I may never see again in this lifetime. The card (from the Fifth Spirit tarot deck) is a pile of rocks, like an altar, with a bread offering in front of it, and it made me think about those piles of rocks on hiking trails that people add to as they pass by. How each rock could be a friend adding to the experiences that make us who we are on our journey through life, but that at the end of the day, we’re on our own path. People are going to come and go. All we can do is be grateful and make an offering to friendship when it’s there, without feeling like we have to capture it or carry it with us forever. I think being friends with myself first and foremost will attract more people who share this kind of outlook on life. People who are part of a culture of the heart. 

What are the characteristics of a culture of the heart? Who does it belong to?

It belongs to all of us, every person who continues to choose loving and living, especially when it’s the hardest, when it’s a risk, when you could lose it all – when you do lose it all. It’s the people who choose community and connection and creativity and liberation over material gains or material security in the way it’s been defined by systems of domination, control, and extraction.

Next time we talk, let’s dig into how you’re living into that culture, and where your growth edges are?

Great, looking forward to it.