Convo with Myself: Trust

This series was inspired by Donald Glover’s recent interview with himself in Interview Magazine. I write somewhat stream of consciousness, without going back to edit, and trying not to pause too much to think as I write.

Hi there.

What’s up?

Can we talk about trust today?

You’re initiating the convo this time, eh?

Yeah – my friend Teju and I were talking about friendship, and how initiation is something that’s important to us… so I thought I’d reach out this time.

Cool cool. How was your time with Teju?

Ah, so wonderful. At some point in my early 20s, I said out loud that I wish I could just be a professional friend for a living, and I feel like Teju is living my dream. They’re really good at friendship.

How so?

Well, they’re someone who “walks me home,” which is a phrase I think they said at some point, just by being themselves. Could literally just sit there and say “hmmm” while I talk, and something about the way Teju listens (and the convos we have in between about the questions we share) will help me find my way back to myself when I’m feeling lost. I have this sticky note on my computer, a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh: “A good teacher is someone who can help you go back and touch the true teacher within” and I think that describes Teju, and other friends I have who support me in their own ways of deep listening and reflection.

Am I counted among them?

Oh yes. In fact, my friendship with you is critical to being able to give and receive the kind of love I share with Teju and other friends.

Amazing. So trust? Whatcha thinkin’?

Well, Teju shared a convo with another friend, where they defined trust as intimacy + credibility + reliability. And I guess to further define those along my personal values and worldview: I’d say intimacy is sharing authentic vulnerability – knowing that vulnerability is subjective to people’s lived experiences. What’s vulnerable for me is relying on someone else to provide something for me that I need, something that’s tied up in my basic needs, something that’s critical to my survival. Credibility is embodiment – when actions/energy match words – even if the truth of what’s being said is subjective to that person’s experience, even if the impact is painful, I can feel the integrity of the intention. And reliability for me is about accountability – showing up in the ways that are relevant to your relationship agreements, even if it’s just to state your boundaries: I can’t be there this time. I would add that cycles of self-reflection that facilitate honest communication hold it all together and build it up over TIME. Time is a big one. My friend Bre and I just talked about this – trust can only be built over time, there is no shortcut.

No wonder we live in world where trust is broken… White Christian Capitalism sees vulnerability as weakness, distorts the truth, and uses fear, scarcity and urgency to force accountability – which creates extractive and harmful relationships, not loving and sustainable ones.

Exactly.

And why are you thinking about trust right now?

Well… I am really struggling as a single parent. I desperately need community co-parents, people to collaborate with in the parenting of Luca, in the re-parenting of myself. And I’m very clear that what I need in my collaborations above all else is trust. But I’m afraid to trust right now because I feel that my trust has been betrayed. I invited someone into my life to co-parent with me, to create a home and community with me. I was extremely vulnerable with them, to open up my family in that way, to facilitate a bond with my child and me in such a sacred time, to allow myself to become more dependent on their emotional and material support (which they encouraged), to invite them into my community building and healing work. And they shared vulnerability as well to accept that invitation. Love is always a risk, to bond with someone is always a risk, because of the inevitability of change, of death (figurative and literal). But then they got scared, and wanted me to make a commitment to them through the state. To let White Christian Capitalism mediate and enforce accountability. To secure the bond in a system I made very clear from the very beginning of our relationship that I did not believe in. When I asked to stay in the house that I was told was ours, I made a request that, while it was communicated with fear, was rooted in trust and faith – the trust I had in their values, their love, their family’s love for me and Luca, and what I thought were our shared values and worldview. And once again, a choice was made to not trust me. So I made a choice not to continue trusting them. And then, through all this, when I started to feel more open to trust and giving them more time with Luca, they once again chose not to trust me, to keep me from decisions they made that impacted us. In our co-therapy sessions, we talked about repairing trust, but I’m not sure that they ever trusted me or ever will, because it really has nothing to do with me. It’s personal work they’ve got to do in their own time, and it’s clear I’m not the one to accompany them through it. My friend Charlene shared this clip of Bernice Johnson Reagon saying, “…You never become who you can be unless you can get past your socialization. Yet all the [past] generation has told you what they have learned about survival, you actually have to break ranks with it all or you will never meet yourself, and it's like stepping outside of a safety zone, it is very hard to do, but if you ever do it, you always know how to risk your life."

That message is for Lauren AND for me. And where I’m struggling with risking my life is in the places I feel vulnerable – leaning on other people for my basic needs. So I feel myself isolating, taking on way more responsibilities than I can hold, even when there are people around me who trust me, who I trust – I’m afraid to ask for what I need and burden them because I don’t just need help here and there, I need sustained support from a group of people who feel accountable to one another and value our unique contributions, and I know that everyone is so tired. What I’m doing now on my own requires creating more structure to keep all the pieces moving, which requires more control than feels good for the kind of relationship I want to have with Luca. Joy and ease is fueled by fluidity, softness, creativity, spontaneity… going with the flow. The more structure and control, the more rigid I feel, and the less able to experience and facilitate joy.

Hmmm. That’s hard. I feel you. And I see you noticing and trying to stay open. Processing. Reaching out. There’s another piece to the convo with Teju that complicates this a bit, right?

Yes, and I’m still figuring out where I’m at around this, what I’m capable of. Essentially, we talked about how experiences of othering fuel our need for power and control. They break trust and create scarcity. They can prompt us to design oppressive systems of survival that compensate for the lack of trust, the lack of relationships. Systems that further divide us, and separate us from ourselves and each other. And that often, the only way to heal, to connect and build a pathway back to trust, is to be the one who stays open and extends trust after being exiled. The movie “Raya and the Last Dragon” is actually a great story of this happening. That link goes to the scene at the end where the protagonist, Raya, has an epiphany about what will save their world, and she decides to take a leap of faith despite the pain she’s experienced because of a betrayal of trust.

I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out what that decision looks like for me because I also hear from people like adrienne maree brown that sometimes the best thing to do is move on. They say, “If the default setting of the relationship is conflict, if there are deep value differences that make the connection a constant struggle, if the rate of growth and change between people is uncomfortably different, it’s OK to let go. Invest your precious life force into relationships where you feel seen, respected, cared for, challenged, grown, accepted as you are, and loved.” So which is it? Can it be both? Can I take a leap of faith and extend trust where it’s not given, and receive the trust I need to collaborate? And how do I make a decision, not just for myself, but for the other human being I’m responsible for nurturing through this phase of life, and for my community of friends who I’m growing with and trying to model how to put values into practice?

I have an idea… Raya is a great story, but it’s a time-bound narrative, right? And it relies on drama, urgency, tension to accelerate character development and prompt rapid-response decision-making for the sake of a “complete” story arch. That’s not real life. You’ve said that trust also requires “cycles of self-reflection that facilitate honest communication [to] hold it all together and build it up over time.” So, what if you rewrite Raya with a little more complexity and nuance that merges your convo with Teju and what amb is saying? Something that makes sense for your situation?

I like that. Ok, so Raya and her friend Namari share a love of dragons – especially Sisu. Raya has a special responsibility to protect the dragon stone – she wants to share her special connection to Sisu with Namari. But Namari is driven by her experience with scarcity and her mother’s guidance to take the dragon stone out of Raya’s protection, betraying Raya’s trust. Raya fights back and the dragon stone is broken into pieces. It causes a huge disruption in the whole community as the Drune burst out of the ground, sucking the life out of everything they touch. Raya loses her home, her people, and her friend. Raya calls Sisu back into the world and goes on a quest to put the pieces of her life back together by gathering the pieces of the broken dragon stone, believing it can be recreated in the same way it was formed with Sisu’s help. Sisu is like a child, so connected to spirit, so open to trust… an example of what could be, a teacher to all – and also a being in need of some protection because while her openness is a gift, there are people who will use it to hurt her and others. One day, there’s an opportunity for Namari to redeem herself, to support Raya and her quest. Sisu believes in her, has been advocating for her, so Raya chooses to listen to Sisu, and reaches out to Namari. But Namari betrays her trust again, and her actions, along with Raya’s reaction – because she was not really ready to trust Namari – hurts Sisu.

Raya realizes she needs time and space away from Namari to heal, and that while Sisu’s openness and trust is a guide, she is on her own path. Raya realizes that healing is not done in isolation, but looks like practicing trust in a more distributed way, through a network of community, bringing together the people who want to be in a relationship with her, not just because of her connection to Sisu, but because they love her and believe in her, because they believe in her quest and feel their own quests aligned with hers. Raya explains this to Sisu, who is grieving her disconnection from Namari, but she understands and tells Raya that she can wait to see Namari until Raya is ready. Sisu is still developing the skillset and orientation to this new world she’s been called into, and is also learning from Raya how to heal, how to set boundaries, how to build community. Raya begins piecing together a different life, one that isn’t so reliant on one friend, one home. She is creating Kumandra even as the Drune continue to exist and take life around them, she is part of a community of people who are choosing to practice and grow their trust for one another every day, who are building their own social safety net so that no one is left without a house, a best friend, or a caretaker in moments of change, of death.

Meanwhile, Namari has been on her own journey in her own community. Coming to terms with the ways she’s allowed her parents, her fear, her personal insecurities, her experiences with scarcity keep her from trusting herself, her community, her friend. She is practicing trust and accountability, and the people around her are on similar journeys, accompanying each other, caring for one another.

Namari’s and Raya’s communities are connected, they each hear stories of one another’s growth. One day, Namari sends Raya a message. An apology, a request: What can I do to repair the harm? I am ready to trust you. Raya is also ready to open up this conversation again. She feels stronger, that even if Namari betrays her trust again, she will be okay. They meet and talk about what a next step to connection looks like, their hopes, their boundaries. They listen deeply, they share where their respective journeys have taken them. They find that they are on parallel paths now. Sisu joins them, they celebrate this beautiful moment of reconnection with their whole community. They continue on their respective paths, on their unique quests to bring Kumandra back together, but stay connected, ready to support one another when they are willing and able to. And Sisu now has one more caretaker to add to their community of love and care.

Beautiful. How did that feel?

Really powerful. Healing. Thank you for being a good friend and teacher.