Convo with Myself: Loving

This series was inspired by Donald Glover’s recent interview with himself in Interview Magazine. I write somewhat stream of consciousness, without going back to edit, and trying not to pause too much to think as I write.

Hello.

Hey there. 

How are you? 

I’m doing okay, actually. It’s been a challenging week of parenting because Luca’s been feeling sick and requires more attention than usual – and the usual is quite a lot – but my mom’s been supporting me and I’ve been setting clear boundaries and expectations with work stuff, so I’ve had the energy and capacity to show up for him. 

What has that looked like this week?

It’s looked like ignoring phone calls and emails and messages until I have the time and space to focus on work. It’s looked like spending moments like this with myself instead of catching up on work. It’s looked like letting us both sleep in as long as we need to, and getting to school whenever we get there. It’s looked like eating and sleeping when Luca does, so that I am also nourished and rested. It’s looked like observing and experimenting with different ways to support him through his big feelings… he’s been hitting me a lot, and it hurts ‘cause he punches hard, but I felt a lot less triggered by it this week and was able to be calm – though, what I’ve been experimenting with is modeling a different way to express his anger in the moment as accompaniment, rather than being emotionless, which seems to escalate things. So maybe calm isn’t the right word, ‘cause what I did tonight while he was having a meltdown, for example, is tell him I was going to scream and screamed really loud and invited him to do it with me… so maybe disciplined harm reduction is a better way to phrase that. It worked. 

Where did you get that idea?

A combination of places, but something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, related to culture. Related to interdependence. Related to loving. 

You gonna piece it together for us?

Heh. I’ll try. I’ll start from the latest inspiration – a somatics practitioner came to my Trauma of Money class this week and taught us some exercises for self-soothing, or to guide folks through moments when their nervous systems are activated in some way. At the end, someone asked if she had any exercises for when we’re in a super heightened state, like having an anxiety attack or something. She said it really depends on the individual, like she was having a really hard time answering the question because it was so clear that she strongly believes in people doing the work to know their bodies and what works for them, but she did say that essentially, you’d want to do an exercise that releases that energy. That places it elsewhere. 

It made me think about what happened between Lauren and me a couple weeks ago, when they told me they’d changed their mind about letting me buy the house, and despite my pleas for them to at least leave the house for a while and give me physical space, telling me this was their house and they would not be the one leaving. I had all this energy building up: fear, anxiety, anger, confusion. I went to them to express it, and was told I couldn’t. And I kept going anyway, but was met with what felt like indifference, coldness, and more triggering language around what I deserved and didn’t deserve. So my emotions escalated, and I started getting physical – throwing things, pushing Lauren, trying to get a reaction, trying to push my energy into them. I finally got what I wanted: they started to cry. That moment was illuminating. I was immediately softened. It brought me back into my body. I even felt empathy. It restored my cognitive functions enough to know that 1) I could hurt Lauren even more right now while they’re vulnerable; but 2) the way I just expressed my pain was harmful to my spirit/Lauren/The Universe; and 3) I can choose a different path in this moment, I can reduce harm; and 4) I can have compassion for myself first and foremost by being clear and setting a boundary rather than letting this mistake, Lauren’s reaction to it, and my empathy override my needs that aren’t being met. So I watched them pack their things and escorted them out the door. Of course, the following day, I let shame get the best of me and make me feel completely disempowered, so I packed up my own things, and Luca and I moved in with my mom for a couple weeks – and that’s when this series started…

Anyway, what THAT made me think of is all the stuff Lauren and I have been reading on “gentle parenting” and the different strategies and tactics for accompanying a kid through their big feelings, and how a lot of it is so unnatural to me because it feels so… performatively democratic. You’re supposed to validate your kid’s feelings of anger and disappointment with empathy and a calm demeanor while sticking to the boundary, which feels kinda condescending sometimes, and starkly reinforces a “my word is the last word” power dynamic. It’s like saying: “I see how difficult this is for you, I really do, but I’m still going to decide this for you.” And I’m not saying that we should let the kid eat candy instead of dinner… I mean, I don’t think we should? Maybe we should let the kid eat it, get a stomach ache and make a different decision next time? Maybe we just shouldn’t have candy around in the first place because we know our kid currently lacks discipline? Maybe we should make dinners that are more irresistible than candy? Maybe if the kid had helped make dinner, he’d be more excited to eat it? I guess it depends on the cognitive abilities of the kid, really, and our own creativity. But that’s where my questions around interdependence and parenting come in: How are we nurturing interdependent relationships through observation, curiosity, intuition, investment in the spiritual growth of another, their freedom and autonomy, and creative and culturally relevant forms of emotional expression? And is that not what love looks like in action, according to bell hooks? 

So yeah, here I am, trying to really see Luca, to connect to the intuitive ways I want to parent him – ways that are relevant to my culture of the heart, my forms of self-expression, and the ways I see him flourish. And really lean into my belief that everything is an experiment, and every day is an opportunity to do something differently. So today, I screamed through my kid’s tantrum and helped hold and release some of the energy he was struggling to let go of, and he collapsed into my arms and was asleep within 15 minutes. 

Esther, you are beautiful. 

I know it! 

I’m noticing you need me less and less to ask you questions… what’s up with that?

I think I’ve been integrating? Feeling more in my body, more whole, more confident, so your reassurance – and critique, quite frankly – isn’t necessary. Don’t worry, eclipse season is coming, I’ll be calling you back soon. 

I’ll look forward to it. Thanks for being you.

Thanks for being me :)